How Internal Family Systems Helped Me Make a Big Request of My Partner
Yesterday, I made a big, hard request of my partner. It was the kind of request that could be a deal breaker in our relationship. But what made this moment stand out wasn’t just the nature of the request—it was how I arrived there and the transformation I experienced along the way, thanks to Internal Family Systems (IFS) work.
The Boiling Mad Moment
It started the night before, with another one of those "boiling mad" moments. At 10:30 p.m., I was woken up—partly due to circumstances but also partly because of a lack of consideration. And just like that, I felt it: the hot wave of anger bubbling up inside me, more about a small incident earlier that felt like part of a larger pattern than about being woken, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. Normally, this might have led to simmering night of non-sleep. But this time, I paused and turned inward, using the tools I’ve gained through parts work.
I checked in with a younger part of myself—that little inner me who has always carried the belief that no one cared about her needs. She needed my attention, my care, and, yes, my anger in that moment. She needed me to acknowledge how deeply frustrated I felt in how my needs continue to be unmet. Simply recognizing and validating this part of myself shifted something.
I spoke up, loudly and angrily. I let those emotions spew out instead of keeping them churning inside. I’m not advocating this approach as the best solution but in this situation, it was necessary.
The Calm Request
Fast forward to the next morning. With clarity and calmness, I was able to bring my request to my partner. Instead of the usual cycle of frustration and defensiveness, I approached the conversation with love and a sense of peace. I started by focusing on the positive, then stating my needs clearly and calmly, and then—this was key—I stopped talking.
I gave my partner the space to process what I had shared and even offered him the walk I knew he needed to reflect. I didn’t try to control or push for an immediate response; instead, I let the conversation breathe.
Finding Peace, No Matter the Outcome
Here’s the amazing part: I’m not even mad anymore! Whether or not my partner agrees to my request, I’ve already found a sense of peaceful resolution within myself. By tending to that younger part of me, I’ve shifted my focus from seeking external validation to honoring my own needs and feelings.
What Is Internal Family Systems?
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic approach that helps you explore and understand the different "parts" of yourself. These parts can include wounded inner children, protective managers, and reactive firefighters. Instead of pushing these parts away, IFS encourages you to embrace and care for them, leading to greater self-awareness and healing.
In this situation, I was able to connect with a vulnerable part of myself that felt unseen and unheard. By acknowledging her needs and giving her the validation she craved, I diffused the anger and frustration that might have otherwise derailed my request.
Key Takeaways
Pause and Check In: When you feel triggered, take a moment to pause and turn inward. Ask yourself, "Which part of me is showing up right now? What does this part need?"
Validate Your Feelings: Instead of pushing uncomfortable emotions away, honor them. Sometimes, just recognizing the need behind the emotion can bring relief.
Communicate Calmly: Once you’ve addressed your internal needs, you’re better equipped to communicate clearly and lovingly with others.
Release the Outcome: When you come from a place of inner peace, the outcome of the conversation becomes less important. You’ve already honored yourself, and that’s a win in itself.
Conclusion
This experience was a reminder of how powerful parts work can be in transforming conflict into connection—both within myself and in my relationship. Whether or not my partner agrees to my big request, I’ve already won by showing up for myself in a way I never could before.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in cycles of anger or frustration, I can’t recommend IFS enough. It’s a life-changing tool for navigating relationships—starting with the one you have with yourself. If you’d like to try it with me, schedule a free consult with me.
